I woke up this morning just not wanting to get out of bed. Usually I am looking forward to my first cup of coffee for the day and then heading to my women’s meeting but today I just had this lingering feeling that it was not going to live up to my usual expectations. So, as I pulled into the parking lot, looking for the vehicle I hoped I would not see there and there it was. I suddenly became aware of that awful familiar feeling of “dread mixed with anger” that someone could change my mood simply by there presence. How old was I ? This is so embarrassing but I have to own it, to grow from it and I was still hanging onto this terrible angst over what had occured over a period of weeks after a long friendship, as I had known it came to an end abruptly, without warning.
This is crazy…I kept telling myself. Why are you still hanging onto this situation?? It brought me back to the past…to a time in my childhood that still shows up in my memory whenever I have a situation with another female friend who does not live up to my expectations of Friendship and Loyalty, as I see it. I grew up experiencing a lack of trust in females…we always seemed to be saying one thing about being “besties forever” and later you find out that they are planning a way to not invite you to a party they know a boy they like is coming to and you are in the way of their intention to go “steady” with him..phew….take a breathe.
But then it occured to me that its just like when I have had four great days in a row and then one comes along that is painful or tough and all I can do is focus on the one disappointment. I forget about the beautiful women who surrounded me in early sobriety and gave me hope to keep coming back, the sponsor who took me with her everywhere because I was so full of fear about people; the women who came to my home every Sunday morning for weeks when I was in such a dark, depression. I have been surrounded by supportive sisters when I have been lauded with success and held up with love when I did not.
I have such high expectations of my female friendships….and when they are human sometimes I feel afraid that I will be hurt so I pull away before I am. So, I went into my meeting today and when I felt out of sorts I headed to see a beautiful friend and we talked about the pain of betrayal and the belief in forgiveness once we had come to terms with our own humaness. So, we are a work in progress, doing the best that we can just like everyone one else. So today, just for today I will not talk negatively about another woman and instead I will pray for her to have everything that I have and more.
If it is true that we are all connected – then when I think badly of you, I think badly of me. I honor and cherish your right just as I do mine to be human, to be a work in progress, to be forgiven and to want only good things for you.